23
RantI Finally Broke Up With “Harold”
I am furious beyond words, mostly at myself for not seeing this sooner.
I’ve posted about my friend “Harold” before, who essentially just uses me for emotional dumping, whether that’s trauma-dumping about his family or gabbing about his “harem anime” lifestyle. Important context is that he is black and I am white. I am attractive, he really is not conventionally. I have a husband, three children, and am a homeowner. He is broke, smokes a lot of weed, and is basically a bitter incel.
Because I have insight into the industry, I agreed to go out to lunch with him to discuss writing. We went to a cheap diner and spent a couple hours of… me listening to his rambling, disjointed professions of wanting to write a science fiction novel. It was a barrier and a drag on my day but I endured because I’ve known him for years and want to see him move up and beyond in the world instead of just living like he’s in community college forever (that’s how we met.)
I invited him to events that ultimately lowered my social capital because he is a socially awkward and self-obsessed oversharer and mega-cringe. Meanwhile he was always benefitting socially from being seen with me.
This culminated in him posting a selfie of us together. One of his male friends commented “skin man”, which I can only perceive as drawing attention to our different skin color, and either an accusation of fetishism or a kind of “nice, man” congratulation. Either way it is damaging to my reputation as a married woman with children, whose friends and family could see that selfie and the comments on it. I expressed to him that I thought I deserved an apology and he demanded I take it up with his friend. I said, “no way” and he accused me of forcing him to choose between two friends. I said “I just want a private apology for what he said” and he refused, saying it would be “emasculating” and only serve to make me feel “better”.
I expressed that if he really feels that way, I don’t want him interacting with people I care about because I have an obligation to protect them. He was so offended he blocked me. He was my “friend” for over a decade and I’m kind of reeling, but recognizing that I did nothing but give, and the day I asked for an apology for his friend’s shitty comment on our photo I got blocked.
Ladies, and especially girls, be wary of male friendships! They just want to fuck you, and will say that they did when you fall out of sorts out of spite.
Congratulations! You were more than generous to him. It sounds like there is no real loss here. Imagine all you can do with that wasted time on him! Buy yourself some beautiful flowers to remind yourself that life is too beautiful to waste one more precious moment on this grubby little man. 💐
Thank you, friend! I feel slightly apprehensive about what he might tell others, but he has a reputation as a pathological liar so honestly not too much. I agree that I was more than generous to him, and everyone recognizes this… except him. He would tell me constantly that “my world” (being successful, pursuing passions, writing, making decent money) would get him beat up and ostracized and maybe even killed. I kept encouraging him and he kept doomering himself into the same rut.
We are in the Midwest. We are very chill, polite, and gentle people, generally speaking. My state and even my city have a large black population. He and I shop at the same grocery store in a “rough part of town” he is terrified of and I’ve never had any trouble. I have lived here for most of my life and barely even felt the need to lock my car. He talks like this is the roughest, toughest parts of Chicago or something… it is not.
I might buy myself a new tarantula. He hates spiders and I adore them so pound sand and skitter, Harold. ❤️
I wish academic writing paid. It does not. lol.
Another overlap/extreme difference: my experience in the midwest was the exact opposite. They may have been polite but they were hateful bigots in my experience. They weren't even polite. I saw the same people in the same small town for a decade and they refused to even say hello or recognize me! They were anti-Semitic, homophobic, misogynist asshats. Neither my husband nor I made a single friend in a decade. But when we moved to the coast, immediately made great friends. I don't want to defend him here, bc he is still a terrible user, but the racism in much of the midwest is implicit but off the charts. I felt it palpably as a Jewish woman. I even won a discrimination case at my work over it. But that is still on him. He can move. I did. He refuses to take any responsibility for his life choices--that's on him.
No comment on the tarantula; I lived where they came into my house and terrified me as a child. I am better about spiders now, as a gardener, but still creep me out.
I am extremely sorry for your experiences in the Midwest. I admittedly live in one of the bluer states (hopefully that does not dox me, the Midwest doesn’t have a lot of blue states). Antisemitism is one of the things that enrages me the most, along with racism (which was why it was so frustrating to deal with Harold saying we were in “different worlds” when his family were the ones with weird racial and socioeconomic hangups and he squandered every chance to get positively noticed, claiming it made him “too white” to live well.)
I actually encouraged him to move when he brought up that he should. He has a reputation around here that precedes him and people find him incredibly cringe, damaging and awkward. I made the point that a fresh start somewhere else could do him good (though he would have to get a car if he wanted to remain in the Midwest, everything requires that here). He decided it was all too difficult and he should just stay where he is.
I used to be arachnophobic. Jumping spiders were my gateway and now I’m obsessed. I completely respect those who just can’t with spiders but they have become a haven for me to nurture in recent years. I wonder if you used to live in the southwest because desert/Arizona blondes are extremely common in gardens!
CA high desert is where I grew up. So many scary critters, from tarantulas to snakes and scorpions. I was terrified as a kid. Stepped over a rattler. Had an amazing dog--my guardian angel--who protected me a lot. Pepper. I had a tough childhood. It is a major factor in why I never wanted kids myself.
Tbh, I have no sympathy for any man not willing to get therapy. None. zilch. they all need it. First thing I told my husband to do when we first met and he was immediately receptive. (don't believe in couple's counseling at all, though). He's an idiot. My life is so much better on a coast--either. My square state nearly broke me. I gave up everything in order to leave. It still messes with my head to this day bc I had that whole list you have; now I don't bc I walked away from harassment and discrimination.
Because I can’t do anything halfway, I am very familiar with the Californian tarantulas and understand your fear, especially as a child- they’re kind of squirrelly and they move super fast. As for snakes…naaah thank you! Bless your wonderful Pepper for helping you be and feel safe.
Harold has fired (and been terminated by) many therapists. He thinks they don’t help because he is so resolute in his incel thinking. I agree with you about couples counseling; I think that no matter how good the intentions are, picking a side is inevitable and if you happen to be married to a cluster B they manipulate it all in their favor.
I’m so happy your life is better on the coast. I think that when we as women take a big risk like that it’s always for a very good reason, and more often than not turns out better than what we left.
He was never you friend, he's what you call an orbiter. If by some chance he could get with you, he would have.
Also a truly repulsive male, so nothing lost here. Guarantee he told his friends you're together or at least had sex, and acknowledging you're not would damage his "rep".
Oh yeah! When we met he told everyone he was going to take a shot with me and he was met with uproarious laughter. I’m not gorgeous or anything, and I’ve got that “married mom with kids” thing going on so I don’t look like a runway model, but there is still a large gulf between our attractiveness levels, education, and where we are in life. I’m pretty sure that while he might try to convince people he tapped that, he has pulled this before and ultimately has no loyal male friends because he regards them all with contempt or as competition. His “rep” is already in the gutter, and he blames everything but the real reasons (his awful, awful personality.)
I’ve already told my side to our mutual friends and I don’t care what he tells his family. As long as they all stay off my socials I’m good with whatever unbelievable story he spins.
Well, that's a load of trouble off your back.
It was a surreal day or so but now it really does feel like it. I don’t know how any human being could make it to their 30’s with so much navel-gazing and so little actual insight.
be wary of male friendships!
or any friendships you maintain because you feel like you "should" and not because you actually want to
He was so pathetic on so many levels that I maybe felt like I had a duty to help him out of the endless slump that was his life. I don’t feel that way generally about people and especially men since discovering radical (real) feminism, but I had known him for so long that he was a leftover relic from my younger and more libfemmy days. I found him actually embarrassing me and getting in the way of the direction I am trying to grow as an author and a human being, and feeling like I had an obligation to include him while worrying that he would offend someone I wanted to impress and make me look bad by association. Then I felt guilty because wow, what a classist and awful thing to be worried about!
He had tons of opportunities to become a better person and grow, too. He refused, saying it would make him a “soy boy.” I just couldn’t accept he was so far gone that my attention wasn’t helping. I actually apologized to him for enabling him for so many years because who knows, without a patient and caring friend to listen to all his navel-gazing thickness he might have been forced to swim.
Good job!! It sounds like he is an emotional vampire and you deserve your life back.
Thank you. He took up so much of my time just placating, and “I’m finally going to get my life together and need advice” was the carrot on the stick keeping me around. I never asked him for anything (because honestly there was nothing he was actually capable of doing for me) but I didn’t want to be an elitist asshole and cut him off for no reason. Now I have a reason, and when I told him I needed to take a step back from the “friendship” after he couldn’t even give me a private sorry, he did the adult thing and hit “block.”
He also kept insisting I wanted him to start an unnecessary fight with his friend. I said “you did! It was just the friend you don’t give a shit about and take for granted.” 😫 He is so freaking dense and is convinced he’s so smart it is a burden.
I cut my relationship with two friends more than a year ago and, even though I don't regret it at all, there are times in which I find myself missing them even though I don't want to be in contact with them anymore. I'm just warning you so you know that it's normal if it also happens to you. For context, one of them used me continuously for emotional support and seems very similar to your Harold
Thank you for your comment and your camaraderie. I think it is similar. My husband (who found this whole thing amusing and unthreatening) thinks it is likely Harold will crawl back in a day or two when the silence gets too loud. I was EASY, I would have taken bare scraps of basic respect, but any man who sees “respect for a woman” as “emasculating deference” isn’t in my life anymore, full stop.
I think I just needed to hear him say it. He literally said that apologizing to me for something his dopey friend said was “emasculating.” I didn’t ask for a public apology, just for him to acknowledge, between us, that it was fucked up. That’s where he drew the line. 🙂↕️
Had a male friend once. Though I had feelings for him so idk if this could be considered a friendship. Basically, I found out he used porn and was pro-porn at the time. Told him some things and said goodbye. Male friends are weird, it's best to only have female friends tbh.
“Harold” was also a porn user. He believed all of his problems were because he wasn’t more attractive. He wasn’t disfigured or anything; men have a privilege of being able to hit the gym hard for a few months and see really awesome results to the point where their face doesn’t matter (he has a dental issue that was somewhat impossible to ignore, but a rockin’ bod would help a lot with that.)
He’s lazy, apathetic, and not something I would wish on any woman. I’m glad we BOTH said goodbye to our anchor-users.
'only serve to make me feel “better”'
And? Is it not acceptable for you to want to feel better?
Apparently! I kept having to remind him that I am a person and my feelings matter during our final conversation. I’d say “it’s just decent” to apologize, and he responded, “to who?” Like I’ve not been his mommy therapist for ages!
I feel like a weight is lifted honestly. I had told him that I needed to step back from the friendship and he responded by threatening suicide and blocking me.
'I am a person and my feelings matter' yeah, if you have to remind someone of that your time and attention are better off elsewhere.
Women are objects to him, to collect if they’re shiny and show off to his doofus bros. I’m not going to help him anymore.
Meanwhile he was always benefitting socially from being seen with me.
Definitely parasitic.
he refused, saying it would be “emasculating” and only serve to make me feel “better”.
The audacity. Friends are people who make each other feel better or who care about each others well-being. This proof that he never considered you a friend - just a resource to be exploited.
I’m kind of reeling
I hope you don't feel like you were the stupid one, when he was all along for taking advantage of your generosity. Maybe look at this turning point as a celebration - one less parasite in your life. You are free of his negativity.
Any man technically benefits from being seen in public with any woman, but this definitely went even beyond that. We didn’t (and wouldn’t, at least on my end) have sex, but all of my insight and advice went largely ignored. On the rare occasion he actually cherry-picked something to try he would credit another man with showing him the way, and just use being seen with me to (unsuccessfully) elevate his reputation as a player (when in actuality he just orbits several women and calls it “living in a harem anime”.)
He is deeply selfish, and I told him so. That in all the years we’ve known each other and I’ve served as his unpaid therapist I’ve only ever asked for him to apologize for a gross comment on a photo he tagged me in that my friends and family could see, and he couldn’t because he refused to “grovel.” I had only even brought it up to point out that in spite of his tough talk about not being able to take insults about race lying down (specifically ones attributing intelligence, which he is convinced he possesses to the point of it being a burden, with whiteness), he actually turns the other cheek a lot as long as it’s just dinging the reputation of someone he takes for granted. His response was “well that’s not how I feel,” and I was like “Right, it’s always about you.” He launched into a bunch of excuses about his trauma and why he can’t “grovel” and while I already had the ick for him, wow did it compound so hard it made up for lost time. That’s what has me reeling, the fact that I should have really felt this sooner, but because I never asked him for anything before (because there’s never been anything he could actually do for me) I guess it had just never come up before. Our dynamic WAS me always giving of my time and resources, and him just accepting that because we weren’t fucking that was the function I served to him and he didn’t owe me anything else (while bumping every male in his life up the totem pole ahead of me even though they mocked him to his face and had no respect whatsoever for him.)
Thank you for your comment. He’s one of the last damaging relics of the past to keep clinging on and shaking him free is a positive thing.
You're free!! Congratulations!
Thank you so much! I am definitely in the mood to celebrate after getting this all out.
Any man who uses the term "emasculating" unironically is one I'd avoid. It's evidence of their expectation that women should alter their personalities and behaviour to make them look stronger.
Sorry for your hurt feelings, but congratulations on losing that parasite.
I think it frustrated him a lot that I never gave him reassurances that he was very very attractive when he got down on himself. I’d always say something like “play to your strengths,” “looks aren’t everything,” “beauty is subjective,” and “most people in their 30s are beginning to outgrow that kind of vanity because even for the very beautiful, their looks are starting to fade.” He was convinced that all of his problems were because of his looks while neglecting his overall health and refusing to improve or grow as a person in any way. It WAS exhausting, and again, it’s not like he’s disfigured. He has a lot of mental health issues (big surprise) and one of them may well be body dysmorphia.
I appreciate your empathy. I feel energized and light as a feather without waking up to a million navel-gazing messages from him. Suddenly I have so much time.
Our looks don’t start to fade in our 30’s. I’ve noticed a shift in faces to slightly more angular, mine too. I’m 35 and feel far more beautiful than when I was younger. But also, I got ID’d for alcohol the other day (18 here) so I wouldn’t say I even look particularly past my 20’s, let alone ageing so much I’ve lost my looks.
Men may think our looks fade when we look undoubtedly like women opposed to girls, but I don’t.
I got told last night that I look “28 at most” and I’m 36 (person telling me was 24). I find that I feel a little more comfortable in my skin at this age and I know how to present myself better than I was when I was a somewhat messy and depressed college student, so I’m inclined to agree with you. If you take care of yourself and are blessed with some youthful features, your 30s and 40s can be your absolute prime of beauty.
Of course, I know a fair number of people in their 30s, my ex-friend Harold included, who can’t say this. He literally had to have all his teeth pulled due to decay (and our city’s drinking water has fluoride in it; it’s actually DIFFICULT to have decay to that extent, here.) He’s solidly built so he could get absolutely ripped in the gym after a couple months of discipline but that’s too hard, of course. He has a lot of hatred towards other black men so he has seemed to come to hate his facial features that are a little broader and blunter instead of sharp and sculpted like an anime character or something. He has a dour and bitter attitude. He’s definitely aging poorly.