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RantI Finally Broke Up With “Harold”
I am furious beyond words, mostly at myself for not seeing this sooner.
I’ve posted about my friend “Harold” before, who essentially just uses me for emotional dumping, whether that’s trauma-dumping about his family or gabbing about his “harem anime” lifestyle. Important context is that he is black and I am white. I am attractive, he really is not conventionally. I have a husband, three children, and am a homeowner. He is broke, smokes a lot of weed, and is basically a bitter incel.
Because I have insight into the industry, I agreed to go out to lunch with him to discuss writing. We went to a cheap diner and spent a couple hours of… me listening to his rambling, disjointed professions of wanting to write a science fiction novel. It was a barrier and a drag on my day but I endured because I’ve known him for years and want to see him move up and beyond in the world instead of just living like he’s in community college forever (that’s how we met.)
I invited him to events that ultimately lowered my social capital because he is a socially awkward and self-obsessed oversharer and mega-cringe. Meanwhile he was always benefitting socially from being seen with me.
This culminated in him posting a selfie of us together. One of his male friends commented “skin man”, which I can only perceive as drawing attention to our different skin color, and either an accusation of fetishism or a kind of “nice, man” congratulation. Either way it is damaging to my reputation as a married woman with children, whose friends and family could see that selfie and the comments on it. I expressed to him that I thought I deserved an apology and he demanded I take it up with his friend. I said, “no way” and he accused me of forcing him to choose between two friends. I said “I just want a private apology for what he said” and he refused, saying it would be “emasculating” and only serve to make me feel “better”.
I expressed that if he really feels that way, I don’t want him interacting with people I care about because I have an obligation to protect them. He was so offended he blocked me. He was my “friend” for over a decade and I’m kind of reeling, but recognizing that I did nothing but give, and the day I asked for an apology for his friend’s shitty comment on our photo I got blocked.
Ladies, and especially girls, be wary of male friendships! They just want to fuck you, and will say that they did when you fall out of sorts out of spite.
I wish academic writing paid. It does not. lol.
Another overlap/extreme difference: my experience in the midwest was the exact opposite. They may have been polite but they were hateful bigots in my experience. They weren't even polite. I saw the same people in the same small town for a decade and they refused to even say hello or recognize me! They were anti-Semitic, homophobic, misogynist asshats. Neither my husband nor I made a single friend in a decade. But when we moved to the coast, immediately made great friends. I don't want to defend him here, bc he is still a terrible user, but the racism in much of the midwest is implicit but off the charts. I felt it palpably as a Jewish woman. I even won a discrimination case at my work over it. But that is still on him. He can move. I did. He refuses to take any responsibility for his life choices--that's on him.
No comment on the tarantula; I lived where they came into my house and terrified me as a child. I am better about spiders now, as a gardener, but still creep me out.
I am extremely sorry for your experiences in the Midwest. I admittedly live in one of the bluer states (hopefully that does not dox me, the Midwest doesn’t have a lot of blue states). Antisemitism is one of the things that enrages me the most, along with racism (which was why it was so frustrating to deal with Harold saying we were in “different worlds” when his family were the ones with weird racial and socioeconomic hangups and he squandered every chance to get positively noticed, claiming it made him “too white” to live well.)
I actually encouraged him to move when he brought up that he should. He has a reputation around here that precedes him and people find him incredibly cringe, damaging and awkward. I made the point that a fresh start somewhere else could do him good (though he would have to get a car if he wanted to remain in the Midwest, everything requires that here). He decided it was all too difficult and he should just stay where he is.
I used to be arachnophobic. Jumping spiders were my gateway and now I’m obsessed. I completely respect those who just can’t with spiders but they have become a haven for me to nurture in recent years. I wonder if you used to live in the southwest because desert/Arizona blondes are extremely common in gardens!
CA high desert is where I grew up. So many scary critters, from tarantulas to snakes and scorpions. I was terrified as a kid. Stepped over a rattler. Had an amazing dog--my guardian angel--who protected me a lot. Pepper. I had a tough childhood. It is a major factor in why I never wanted kids myself.
Tbh, I have no sympathy for any man not willing to get therapy. None. zilch. they all need it. First thing I told my husband to do when we first met and he was immediately receptive. (don't believe in couple's counseling at all, though). He's an idiot. My life is so much better on a coast--either. My square state nearly broke me. I gave up everything in order to leave. It still messes with my head to this day bc I had that whole list you have; now I don't bc I walked away from harassment and discrimination.
Because I can’t do anything halfway, I am very familiar with the Californian tarantulas and understand your fear, especially as a child- they’re kind of squirrelly and they move super fast. As for snakes…naaah thank you! Bless your wonderful Pepper for helping you be and feel safe.
Harold has fired (and been terminated by) many therapists. He thinks they don’t help because he is so resolute in his incel thinking. I agree with you about couples counseling; I think that no matter how good the intentions are, picking a side is inevitable and if you happen to be married to a cluster B they manipulate it all in their favor.
I’m so happy your life is better on the coast. I think that when we as women take a big risk like that it’s always for a very good reason, and more often than not turns out better than what we left.