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RaveSlate Advice Column: Unequal Punishment Boys vs. Girls
Advice column that gets it.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 14-year-old son and six of his friends were at a sleepover when they decided to sneak out and meet up with a sleepover of three girls in an adjoining neighborhood. This group of ten 14-year-olds walked around the neighborhood from midnight to 2 a.m. Then they went back to their own hosts’ homes. Neither group had permission to leave. The next morning, doorbell camera footage outed all those involved, and the kids confessed to their parents. My son texted me letting me know what had happened.
My problem is not so much what happened, but how it was handled. I was upset with my son. He knew not to leave without permission. I thought he was incredibly rude to his hosts to put them in that position and had broken trust with me. He was very sorry, and we’ve had many good discussions since about peer pressure and communication. I took away his phone for the weekend and grounded him from social activities for two weeks.
The other parents of the boys think I am being completely ridiculous. They have no punishment for their sons at all. They are frustrated with me for “overreacting.” They have told me things like “this is just part of being in high school,” and “you just need to forgive and move on.” I have definitely forgiven my son! I agree that this is part of growing up, but actions have consequences, and I think sneaking out is serious. Nothing bad happened that night, but that doesn’t make sneaking out a harmless thing to do.
Meanwhile, all three girls have had significant punishments. One is grounded for the rest of the school year. All three have their phones confiscated indefinitely. Their parents are much, much angrier.
In text exchanges, my son’s friends’ parents have said things like “the parents of the girls have way more to worry about than we do,” and “what were those girls thinking, sneaking out with boys?!” This seems like a huge double standard to me. Why is the same infraction harmless when boys do it, but incredibly serious when girls do it?
I would really appreciate any help you could give me. I’ve never felt so out of place as a parent. Usually my views pretty much align with my parent friends. Everything is great right now between my son and I, but we both feel judged by his friends and their parents.
So, did I overreact in punishing my son? Is sneaking out normal for boys but horrible for girls?
— The One Mean Mom
Dear TOMM,
No, you did not overreact.
Yes, sneaking out is normal for boys (and girls).
No, it is no more “horrible” for girls than boys.
Yes, the patriarchy is the worst.
In my opinion, the consequences for your son (the punishment, the several heart-to-hearts, and your forgiveness) are perfectly proportional to the “crime.” Regardless of what I think, though, it is 100 percent not those other parents’ business.
Your parent friends seem to have a severe case of “boys will be boys, so girls better watch out” syndrome. If I were you, I would tell the other parents to mind their own business about both your parenting decisions and how the young women comport themselves. If you feel a bit like poking the proverbial bear, you might ask them why they think it’s OK for boys to sneak out and not girls. Depending on their answers, you can remind them that preventing harm to young women is the responsibility of both sexes, and that you are raising your son to recognize that his actions have consequences, especially where others’ wellbeing is concerned. Or, just forget this whole endeavor, because I’m not sure whether these parents will get the message.
I would also have a conversation with your son to create a game plan for if (and when) this happens again. Will he truly be able to stay back if the rest of his friends sneak out? Will it be social suicide if he does? Sorry to be hard on your and his peer groups, but if this is the response you are getting from the adults for what is a reasonable punishment, I worry that those kids will not hesitate to ostracize or ridicule your son for playing by the rules in the future.
You thought you would go to Hogwarts. Then you thought you might be a demigod. And then, presumably as adult, you deluded yourself that you could become a woman, and you didn't think to stop and consider that the first two things were impossible in the most obvious way, and ... the third thing is, too?
(Really, it reads to me as though this guy never realized that Hogwarts isn't real. He hopes Rowling gets burned to death by a dragon ... that only exists in her own madeup story. He hates Rowling because he still thinks Hogwarts is real, he just is bitter he didn't get a letter. I suppose his trans name is "Petunia".)
At least he lowered his expectations 😂 you know how humbled he feels now? From wizard, to demigod to human female! At least women exist, you know? 😂
I highly doubt his narcissistic self perceived that as humbling.
Rather he had to go with a fantasy that others would actually (be forced to) validate.
Oh, he'd never be self-aware enough to call himself Petunia. I'm betting on either Lily or Luna.
let me explain this.
trans people read Harry Potter and feel that they are special, like Tom Riddle.
NORMAL people read it and feel like Harry, like they found their community, like they're not special or a freak at all, in fact they're painfully average.
trans people think they are Harry. they think they are special because marked as the Chosen One etc etc but this is not how Harry felt about that. TOM RIDDLE felt special, singled out. trans people are either just so fucking stupid, or so fucking deep into playing pretend that they don't realize this. the trans are Voldemort. always have been.
😂 especially because I've seen them complain about Voldemort being "deadnamed" when Dumbledore called him Tom.
The Deatheaters are the perfect parallel to trans ideology. It's RIGHT THERE and they really don't get it. They don't see it and it's baffling to me
How many high school movies, books, and TV shows are about not fitting in? Does he not realize most kids go through this? Harry Potter is one of the most popular books for kids and almost every fan will tell you when they were young they waited for their owl from Hogwarts. It's called escapism, its kind of the point.
This is just sad, he is acting like deciding he is trans somehow turned his life around but he still has a drinking problem by the sounds of it and typing out four and a bit paragraphs is a big achievement for him.
Also, apprently turning into a woman is like trying on the identity of mythical beings but more valid. Hmm, can't be a wizard, not a demigod, ah woman is a low and achievable goal.
He's closer to a wizard than he is to a woman. He could learn some magicians card tricks and wear a costume that might fool little kids. But even little kids won't ever think he's a woman.
Harry Potter is one of the most popular books for kids and almost every fan will tell you when they were young they waited for their owl from Hogwarts. It's called escapism, its kind of the point.
Hell, even I, who only started reading the series at 19, fantasized for a bit about a version of my life where I had somehow forgotten all my Hogwarts memories and memories of being a witch, but would win them back and then run off to Wizwarding Land.
It is just really nice escapism, especially when things are difficult. (Which they also were for me at the time in college.)
He really thinks he's special and deep for enjoying Harry Potter. The reason he enjoyed the series is because it's well written not because he is a sensitive snowflake. It's why everyone like Harry Potter.
You would think he was a boy genius reading War and Peace the way he tells it.
Lol. I was a reasonably intelligent child, reading adult books in my early teens, and I suppose I was a bit arrogant about that, and yet it never occurred to me to think myself special for liking Harry Potter.
If nothing else, the millions of other fans would have convinced me that it is a very normal thing for a child to like.
“And while the pain hasn’t stopped…”
The pain won’t stop, because you aren’t “trans”, it’s just your latest obsession/fixation, and won’t work out any better for you than your last two obsessions/fixations.
You need a meaningful job, real life friends, and a healthy outdoor hobby. Only then will the pain of your inadequacy subside.
So this person has a repeatedly tried to escape the fact that he is an average normal uninteresting person and was always trying to escape normalcy via books and pretend he was something MORE than he actually was instead of... building on his innate personality and finding something his talents allowed him to naturally excel at through hard work and perseverance.
Classic main character narcissist trope.
Tell me how transitioning isn't just a current trend to pretend to be the main character in your own story again?
The majority of the men who do this are just average men, and not exceptional in any way. Personally, I see it as the fallout of the "everybody is special" parenting methods in the early 2000s.
In my experience TIMs fall into 3 categories:
All 3 types of men are mentally ill, non-exceptional and pathetic and are not fit to engage in society.
There's a clear pattern here. The need to be something, anything, other than himself.
Identifying as trans allows him to feel special and chosen. It's giving him a goal, and a purpose, but for how long? A few years? Ten years if he's lucky? But what then? What's next?
Reality is always going to catch up with him eventually. It's the underlying issue that needs to be addressed, but I guess we don't do that anymore.
He's got another thread from a month ago called "Since coming out, my dysphoria has gotten a lot worse than it's ever been, like things that have never been an issue in the past are becoming really not good."
You'd think that in itself would tell him this fixation and rumination isn't helping, wouldn't you?
Absolutely. But the moment he follows that thought to its logical conclusion, and admits he's not trans, he's no longer part of the community. No more hug boxing, no more telling him he's "a good girl" etc. He'd have to start looking for a new way to distract himself from himself.
Dysphoria getting worse also seems to be a common theme. Likely because they become hyper focused on all the ways in which they don't pass. Things they never even thought about before identifying as something they aren't suddenly become a problem. It's a 24/7/365 performance. Like never getting to go home from work.
Yep. It's kind of how I fell into a niche furry community for the better part of a year. I had recently ended a long abusive relationship for good and felt like a shell of myself. I had friends, but they were mutual friends and we were drifting apart. I needed to have a group that cared about me, and I found it in this little furry community.
It was very over sexualized, of course, but there were some really nice and kind people there who would talk to me. It helped me get through a lonely and painful time in my life.
The thing is, though - I moved on! I didn't make it my whole life and go through drastic medical changes just to fit in even better, I didn't even become a furry, I simply hung around for a while and then dipped out when I no longer needed to be there.
That sounds like a healthy way to cope imo. Nothing wrong with being part of a niche community so long as its actually good for you and allows you to heal.
And the obvious difference seems to be that your hobby was the kind you indulge in when you've got some time to yourself. Transition is the exact opposite because it takes over every moment you spend in the company of others.
Transition is the exact opposite because it takes over every moment you spend in the company of others.
Right?? And with this "preferred pronouns" bullshit, it literally takes over every moment when you're not in the company of others
Thanks, I appreciate that! They were definitely people that would be considered freaks by most others, but they did absolutely genuinely care about me despite us never having met. It was what I needed at the time - a judgement free space with some friendly people.
Edit: it occurs to me that even though it was a furry space with many gay and otherwise not straight members, I don't recall seeing any content about trans crap. Femboy stuff definitely! But not trans. No one there was delusional about their own sex.
Can I PM you about this topic? Someone I know well who is much younger than me is openly a furry and I'm concerned, looking for a balanced perspective like yours
Sure! As I mentioned, I'm not a furry myself - but I did spend a good amount of time talking to them. I'd be happy to help if I can.
Definitely. What teenage boy, with grandiose delusions, isn't going to prefer this
"i still don't see myself as pretty or cute except for the extremely rare time, but i keep getting dm's from people telling me i'm cute (in a not creepy way, generally by other queer people) so idk maybe they're right."
to being a misfit with no friends? He won't realise the dysphoria is a result of obsessive rumination, it's just his "true self" that he's been repressing all his life.
It's a pyramid scheme. He'll need the hair clothes and makeup. Then the voice training and the pills. Then some surgery and gradually even more. They don't want to make each other happy, they want to drag down as many unwitting victims as possible. The younger the better. That's why the answer to am I trans is always yes.
There's a clear pattern here. The need to be something, anything, other than himself.
And the problem lay in him never developing a sense of self, hence the need to be someone... anyone... else. He has no personality, so being a wizard, a demigod, and a “woman” became his personality. It's a sad way to live.
Men can read a whole series several times (!) that is about bravery even, especially when it's uncomfortable, that is about the power of true friendship and recognizing fake ones, a series with multiple analogies for the suffering of women in our society, about fanatical hatred, about the dangers of falling into extremism and especially the dangers of denying reality....
And males will literally take away from it "yayyy colorful magic, flying broomsticks, I'm a supi dupi special boy who's so much more specialer than anyone else!!!"
Are they stupid or something lol
I felt like as the series went on, you slowly realised that you did not really want to live in the wizarding world (in the HP era of it) -- or, at least, it wouldn't just be an escape from the human horrors of the muggle world (greed, corruption, discrimination, etc.), being able to do magic isn't even an "equaliser" between wizards, it's just one more form of power.
Not to say I didn't spend my childhood years fantasising about getting my Hogwarts owl anyway...
Well, it would be an equalizer between the sexes.
Other than that wizarding society is a nightmare. Just look at Azkaban. I imagine it to be all the horrors of the worst muggle prisons rolled in one, with added dementors.
(And, being a vegetarian, I always was kinda glad Hogwarts was just fantasy. I would not like having to brew potions with bat spleens and beetle eyes and so on.)
Are they stupid or something
Yes
So he went from believing he was a wizard, to a demigod, to a womansoul stuck in a male body ? Talk about settling for less.
More seriously, this is why the trans movement is so dangerous. If someone believes they're a wizard, no one is going to give them a wand and ask people to pretend to drop dead when they scream Avada Kedavra. No discussion will be derailed with "well, what about wizards ?". People won't be expected to identify as Muggles so that the wizards can feel validated in their made up identity.
And yet, since he identifies as trans, this dude is going to get prescribed wrong-sex hormones that will wreck his body, invade women's spaces and monopolize important discussions about serious issues like gay rights or abortion. It's ridiculous.
It’s a Norwegian Ridgeback, you delusional fucking moron.
https://www.reddit.com/r/MtF/comments/1ao023c/realizing_im_trans_gave_me_a_future/
Thread is "Realising I'm trans gave me a future". He's 18, fairly obviously has mental health issues, and, having accepted he isn't a wizard or a demigod, has plumped for being trans instead, and has accepted Reddit instead of Hogwarts.
I keep seeing some flavor of this - "I wouldn't have a future if I didn't realize im trans".
It makes no sense. By pretending to be "transgender", you're literally reducing your life span. You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of rejection, emotionally and physically. The drugs you're pumping yourself with will inevitably give you some form of disease. There will be severe complications from the medical butchery you're paying cosmetic surgeons to put you through. You will forever be chasing a fantasy that you can never obtain, and it will destroy you.
You will likely not be living to old age like the rest of us. The botched procedures and doping will kill you long before.
So what future do "trans" people even have?
It really reminds me so much of heroin addiction. I loved heroin. I felt like my life was nothing without it. I thought about it constantly, did it every day, even as my health took a nosedive. Nobody could convince me to give it up. I was convinced I could somehow be the one person who could be a functional heroin addict.
It took dying, losing my family, and almost losing my left arm, to finally wake the fuck up. Without my family and friends telling me to cut the shit or they wouldn't bother with me anymore, I would probably be dead. I used to regularly shoot up and hope that this time i would die. Do an extra bag or two and get really fucked up. I was a complete mess of a human being.
Trans ppl seem to be addicted to trans ideology, even when it destroys their health and relationships. It's denial all the way and they constantly chase that gender high. Hormones are fine for a bit, but then not enough? Get entire new wardrobe. That keeps you high for a bit, but then it fades. So you get breast implants. That's fine for a bit, then it's facial feminization surgery. Then botox. Then you switch up your meds. New clothes. New wigs. More cursed plastic surgery. It's exactly the same as chasing a dope high
Good girl!
How did I know.
So you thought you were a wizard, a demigod, and now the opposite sex?
I’m curious why you stated you turned to alcohol to cope and why your current status is drunk if you’re so happy?
So he's trans because he couldn't be a wizard? Or a demi-god? He basically screams at the top of his lungs in this little comment he made, that he just wanted to a part of something. Being him wasn't enough. He didn't feel special.
And he could've left that part about JK out. Although, it really goes to show how violent and disgusting they are toward anyone that doesn't kiss their ass and enable their delusions to the point of evisceration. I'm not an ally unless I become nothing so that you can be something.
"This woman created an entire world that got me through my childhood. FUCK HER I HOPE SHE DIES IN A FIRE"
These ppl are so fucking emotionally immature. The black and white thinking is so unsettling.
I really don't wanna sound like an internet psychologist, all I'm saying is that I would highly recommend testing him for, honestly everything bc tests are always good, its good to rule stuff out and all, but also test him for atleast autism, narcissism, borderline personality disorder and schizotypal personality disorder. I don't think he has all of them, i think it's possible he has one of them, or something else entirely. I do believe it is delusional to think that you'll go to hogwarts or that a man can be a woman, but that's not enough evidence on his mental health.
Boy who uses escapism to cope with life has now turned into an adult who uses escapism to cope with life.
Dr. Will Powers has said his patients frequently have tentative grasps on reality and rich fantasy lives. I think this becomes really obvious when you have people who truly believe they are changing sex. Especially the ones who are convinced they pass when they absolutely do not. Their ability to observe reality correctly is just not there.
Sometimes I see TiMs posting with some actual self-awareness of how ridiculous the whole attempt to trans is, and they give up because they realize they will never look like a tiny feminine girl. If they are lucky they will stop the hormones and stop the pretending and realize they are men. Of course they hate their bodies and are pursuing an impossible dream, which will probably eventually kill them through drugs and surgery.
The whole concept of "going through the wrong puberty" is horrific to me.
When I was young and full of drama inducing hormone levels, I also sought an escape from reality through fiction.
Then I grew up.
Imagine posting this without a hint of irony (or self awareness)
Like you were a senior in high school and still waiting for your letter from fucking Hogwart's? JFC. My kid is 8 and still believes in Santa and even he stopped asking about his Hogwarts letter when he was like 5 and fully realized it was just a story.
This dude is the poster child for poor parenting. Why didn't his dad do something for him? Put him in sports, some kind of extracurricular activities? Jfc
I think by “my 12th year” he meant of life, like 12 years old. I’m being generous here as I also read it as being a senior in high school the first time.
Sir, you say you are diagnosed with ADHD. I would suggest that THIS is the thing which is making you feel different. Instead of playing MORE make believe, maybe try working with a specialist to work WITH your brain, rather than chasing imaginary identities.
There’s probably something else besides adhd going on here, since millions of adhd adults manage to exist in the world just fine despite being ‘different’. Bring delusional isn’t an adhd symptom.
Autism, perhaps?
Though I was diagnosed with high functioning autism and I never thought fictional stories were real.
(I mean, I did get confused when other kids made up stories on how the local pizzeria was allegedly involved in mafia business, that, yes. Still have problems when people make sarcastic jokes that are too close to reality. But I had been taught, and understood, the concept that novels are fictional, even ones about things that could, in theory, be real, and that books would inform me if they were retelling real events.)
With more severe autism, though ... it seems possible. The lack of diagnosis might explain why his parents never saw fit to explain this to him.
It seems more like being seriously mentally ill than being autistic to me (and I’m being serious). I haven’t known any autistic people, including family with delusions like this (believing they’re going to hogwarts or a demi god). I know a few women who think they’re men because they can’t ’woman right’ though, but that seems very different to me.
Idk, for him, his fantasy delusions seem to have culminated in believing himself a woman ...
But yeah, I guess the gender nonsense appeals to people who can normally tell fiction and reality apart.
Hey dude, you really grow up when you realize you’re not actually special in any way (no matter how academically, physical, musically or otherwise gifted you might have been throughout childhood).
This realization is actually quite freeing, and allows you to find and follow dreams that you will find truly rewarding and not based on being “selected.” You should work towards that.
Veering from one fantasy-delusion to another. Difficulty distinguishing reality from imagination. Wish fulfilment fantasies based on an inability to function in the real world.
Checks out.
Yup: immature, prone to magical thinking, has issues that interfere with appropriate socialization, history of poor choices and ineffective coping mechanisms, self-absorbed with an idea of his own exceptionalism. Pretty strong hand for trans poker.
Looks like someone leaping from one escapist delusion to another. This actually says a lot about why people fall into trans ideology. If you believe you can be a wizard or a demigod it isn't as far to believe the falacy that a person could change sex. It is papering over the cracks of a broken persona with external quick fixes that can be bought (hormones, surgery) or taken (alcohol or drugs) rather than taking the longer road of introspection, meditation, critical thinking and self reflection that leads to true self actualisation.
This guy would love Robert Heinlein jeez. The most special man to ever special
Just sounds like some kind of autism to me, or just plain mental illness. Children are allowed to have dreams and fantasies and have illusions of grandeur… but the self-isolation is either neglect or mental issues or both. It’s socialization that is able to teach a child reality, and it sounds like this person wasn’t socialized until they were just straight converted by the tq interwebosphere.
If you read some of his earlier posts it’s obvious that he has some serious mental issues and an unresolved drinking problem to boot. Plus a history of drug abuse that he’s still wistful about due to the “high” (his words) certain medications gave him.
He’s a powerful example of why men need to be kept out of women’s spaces.
Burned to death by a Rhodesian Ridgeback?
Dogs don't use flamethrowers afaik.
Dear god these guys never grow out of their infantile "I'm the most special person who ever lived" phase, do they?
I thought he was talking about a fictional dragon, but now that you mention it, it's the Norwegian Ridgeback, isn't it? 🤔
For someone who was such an extreme fan that he thought he would go to Hogwarts, that's a bit weak.
Look, this kid is exceptionally dumb. Believing not one, but two, successive works of fiction with fantastical elements exist in real life? (Forgive me, because maybe this isn't the case with everyone... but I always understood fiction was fiction even in elementary school.)
And has now... moved on to a third fiction of changing sex.
Yes, having a goal and working towards it can be great for mental health. Unfortunately, you chose a stupid goal and you're going to be disappointed.
I was so confused why a dog would be the one to burn someone 🤣
Dogs can't even use matches!!!
Came to post this. Maybe Trogdor the burninator was rlly a pupper all along?
BURNINATING THE COUNTRYSIDE
Heh, thought it said “bummed to death” at first, which is more in keeping with their usual rape-language.
Omg I'm gonna start referring to anal sex as "getting bummed"
Good spot.