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Need Advice or SupportRegarding my brother
This might get to be long and it requires a little bit of context. I apologize if this isn't the best place to post something like this. It's also marked NSFW for reasons which will become very apparent.
I have two younger brothers. The oldest of them is sixteen (read: a minor). He's a gamer, loudmouth, and spends much of his time online, usually on Discord.
A couple of months ago, I came home from a day out to him home alone and greeting me wearing a blouse, a pink tutu or skirt, and platform heels, saying he had to talk to me about something important. I was dumbfounded, not because being feminine as a guy is inherently bad, but because he'd never shown any inclination toward femininity before. And, of course, my first thought was, "Dear god, is he transing out?" Nothing came of that, I just went to my room immediately and he hasn't mentioned it since.
Today, I was bored and decided take a look at his Twitter account, since I have his handle and occasionally look to see if he's posted something. He has not, but I peeked at the accounts he was following out of curiosity. Holy shit.
The list of accounts he was following only loaded about thirty (out of 700) profiles, but nearly all of them had bios which ticked one or more boxes: was written in Japanese, smol uwu giwl-type TIM, "18+ only/minors DNI", self-described femboys, or mentioning something sexual. It was particularly accounts which described themselves as femboys, or occasionally sissies, which caught my attention and reminded me of walking in on him wearing that back in September.
Jfc. Some of these accounts list their ages as a decade older than him.
It got worse, too. I checked to see who was following him - again, it only loaded thirty profiles out of about 100, but most of them were porn bots, with one person who seemed very into BDSM and sissification from a quick look at their bio. This person doesn't have an age listed but is very clearly over 18, following my brother, who has his age on his profile.
His likes didn't contain any pornographic material, but it did include a post from a bot account which reposted an r/egg_irl meme. A smoking bullet, if you will.
I messaged him telling him to unfollow this shit, and I am trying to find the right words to use to tell my mom that her son is looking into some really weird shit online. She has so much she's dealing with in her life right now that I feel bad for dumping one more thing onto her, but this is something that needs to be done.
I'm also worried about him, even though he's frankly a bit of a jerk who flies into a rage when his ego is bruised. There is a whole hell world of paraphilias over the cliff which he is careening towards. I also am only looking at his Twitter account, not his personal computer, so I have no idea what kind of shit he's searching up or talking about with Discord friends. I fear I've pushed a massive iceberg to the point where it's about to tip over and expose a lot of nasty stuff.
I'm worried about myself as well, because my family doesn't know I'm a radical feminist aside from him - he's seen my own Twitter account where I am very open about my views. I'm always worried about what people might use as leverage against me, especially with my mom, who's been trained in the whole "trans respect no matter what" stuff as part of her job.
I suppose I need advice and support, as well as a place where I could get this off my chest without someone jumping on me for "transphobia" or whatever. I'm tired from this. Thanks for help in advance.
Are your clothes locked up?
Adding on to this, do you know where he got the platform heels, tutu, etc from?
I would probably get rid of all my underwear if this happened to me. I wouldn't be able to wear mine ever again
Firstly, I'm so so sorry this is happening to you and your brother.
Secondly. I disagree your brother is done for and I don't think anyone in the comments has mentioned this yet. You said your brother knows you're a radfem, and he specifically came to you saying he wants to talk. I find this extremely poignant. Of all people, he came to you. It seems to me he knows he's in a bad place, and his coming to you is a cry for help. And it also sounds to me this whole thing overwhelmed you and you weren't able to handle it.
I don't think it is set in stones that he's AGP. He sounds like a very confused kid right now. This may be tough for you as, again, I don't know if you're an adult yourself and are able to managed this. But it's been two months since he sought your help and nothing came of it. If you want to help him, you need to reach out to him and talk to him again. Messaging him telling him to stop is not enough. Telling your mom is definitely the right thing to do if you're both minors. But it also may not root out the cause if he didn't feel comfortable seeking help from your mom in the first place. Your mom may be able to lay down the law and lock up his computer and devices. But he needs deprogramming. And this is where you may be best suited to help him.
Ask him why he chose to talk to you. Listen to his reasons. Try to steer him to explore why this is all terribly messed up and troubling. And then, offer to show him resources and articles talking about how much all this is harmful. Maybe he wants radfem perspectives since he came to you. If you get a sense of that, show him books by Helen Joyce, etc. If you sense that won't be persuasive, try showing him male voices. Brendan O'Niell's podcast has tons and tons of episodes talking about the harms and dangers of trans. Also Colin Wright and Gerald Posners's Substacks. These may be a start. Find out what's really bothering him, then respond accordingly.
You can always come back here and ask us for help for more resources once you get a better grip of what's going on. I know this is hard but if you love your brother and family, don't let this slide.
I agree, especially if she leads with: "you know all this porn consumption is bad for you, right?"
Teens DO know this.
I am a mother of a teen and a young adult. Please, please, tell her the full detail. 9/10 most mothers can handle it and are not naive once the evidence is presented. She may react badly, but it's far better to let her know so she can help him not completely screw his life over. He is or has a porn addiction and the sooner someone can call this out and intervene, the better for him. He's 16 so not long for influence from family members who care about him. Also, if the women in his family firmly tell him this is SO.NOT.ON he might be saved from whatever pit he's slipping into.
You don't need to 'come out' as a rad fem. Many of our views, especially the view that men are more pervy than women and that it's almost exclusively men who commit the rape/violence/sex pest crimes are mainstream and held by most normal humans. Just reiterate that his porn is objectifying women and it's gross. Stick w/ the shame/gross nature of it and how it's messing with his brain and he's not going to have healthy sexual experiences if he can't get off the internet. Don't even worry or talk about the trans stuff as much as focus on the fetish and the sexual grooming he's being exposed to.
And, I'm so, so sorry. Also, make sure he's not stealing your clothes.
Im so sorry op, this is a tough spot you're in.
I think he's done for. Men don't really come back from this, generally speaking. He's probably been watching porn for years now and nothing will satisfy his sexual urges. He's AGP now. I'd tell your mom he's AGP and if I were you I'd get a lock on my door and I'd lock up my clothes, just to be safe. Your mom will probably not understand and she will support him, expect that. Just makes sure she understands what AGP is so it can at least be on her radar. If I were you I'd show mom everything, tell her he's going down a sick rabbit hole that will destroy his life. I agree with the idea that he could be being groomed and mom needs to do a wellness check on him. I mean, who knows how long this has been going on? For all you know, some creepy old AGP dude has child pornographic material of your brother when he's even younger. It's scary but y'all need to confront that.
You pulled a rookie move never let them know you have access and/or know what their social media is. He's just going to delete it and form a new account you don't know and because you're against it and potentially mom is he's going to mark it down to you guys being homophobic/transphobic whatever and go even more hardcore into those communities as a way to rebel.
What I would do right now: delete my twitter or archive everything- you want to make sure it's squeaky clean.
The second thing is that you need to bring evidence, hard core evidence. I would look into making a fake twitter account, finding out the discord communities he's in and looking into that etc. Just making sure you have a lot of whatever it is he's doing. Is he having inappropriate convos? Posting lewd photos? These are things your parents will want to know.
Third, look into getting a camera for your room- seriously now like right now
The best advice to stop minors from transitioning that I’ve seen came from the Gender: A Wider Lens podcast (they’re 2 therapists who specialize in children with gender incongruencies).
They advise the best thing to do is remove the child from the environment that’s fueling the “trans thoughts”, preferably to an environment with limited internet access.
Unfortunately, the success stories they’ve had on the show have all been ROGD girls. One girl who took a semester off to learn a new language in another country, another whose mom moved the family to Texas, and she homeschooled for a bit.
The sad truth about paraphilias is that they are typically for life. However, it’s totally possible that your brother is just pornsick and not necessarily paraphilic, in which case putting him in a fulfilling environment with restricted internet access would definitely benefit him.
It sucks and it's unfair but it seems like only ppl with money have any hope of saving their kids. You need money to move away, you need money to stay home with your kid and homeschool them. Working class parents have to inoculate their kids early bc once it happens, it's a major investment of time and money to pull your kid out.
Show all of it to your parents. He is a minor and they need to know.
I'm not sure what the laws are concerning minors possessing pornography, but it probably should be reported to the police.
If he is already into all this, he is likely unsalvageable by now. He is already no different from the creepy, rapey, disgusting AGP men who are doing so much harm to women. And he will do it to you if you fail to support his fantasy.
I know this is your brother and it may feel like he is unrecognizable, but that is because he is. He has been captured by the men's sex cult that is at the core of the "trans" juggernaut.
If you want to help him, get the book "Combating Cult Mind Control" by Steven Hassan. It is the best book if its kind and can show you how to help - and if it is possible to help - without putting yourself in danger.
He needs help to recognize that the vast majority of those accounts are sleazy old creepers. I really hope he wasn't dressing for one of them.
Maybe don't confront, which will make him dig his heels in, hormonal teenagers are under the illusion they are sophisticated in these things, but they are not. Sow some seed of doubt about just who is behind those accounts - sharing some news articles or even photos of what the creepers look like in real life might be enough to shake the illusion. Educate him on how online grooming works, it may start him thinking.
Teenagers who have been groomed online can show signs such as: • withdrawing from friends or family • using devices in secret or refusing to talk about what’s happening online • changing their habits online – eg. going online much more • mood changes – eg. anxiety, sadness, anger • unexplained money, gifts, gaming credits or e-vouchers • problems at school • giving up the hobbies they used to enjoy • using inappropriate sexual language or behaviors.
I think your parents should handle this, someone needs to check what kind of messages he has been exchanging with randoms. He could be in over his head or just another pain-in-the-ass teen boy doing stupid shit.
If for whatever reason your parents seem to not be taking this seriously, show them r/tgandsissyrecovery. Let them hear firsthand from the men who have destroyed their lives with this fetish.
RULE #3: Encouraging anyone to transition is not allowed.
And after clicking that link:
This subreddit isn't some kind of "transgender conversion therapy", the focus is fetish recovery, any transgender related issues are incidental.
...uh huh. Keep telling yourselves that buddy
Stupidity aside that is... an extremely interesting subreddit that I'm very surprised to see surviving on reddit. Of course it's men and of course it hasn't been deleted, but still. Glad there's... something, on that shithole of a site.
Edit: read through a few posts and wow these men are really pathetic, they literally cannot function without porn, porn has been their staple for as long as they can remember. They are jacking it every minute they are not in company. And some of them still have the dumb mindset of "wanting to move away from porn is not very male-like, maybe I'm trans?" Like ffs you're admitting you think the male sex should and can't help but be sex addicted. That's a fixed mindset. Is the concept of a goddamn decent man that doesn't like using rape to get his dick hard really that difficult to conjure
Oh fucking gross. I feel like I need a shower after just reading a description of that cursed subreddit
I was chronically online as a teen, as were a lot of my friends. It was always the boys who were really affected by what they were reading - and 20 years ago at least it was just edgelord shit. But it was still twinged with misogyny so we always had to put up with the boys making shitty comments about us. Us girls, regardless of the content we were consuming somehow didn’t get up getting weird or overly affected by it.
I’m sorry I wish I had advice, but I read the comments and others have it covered pretty well. I’m just commiserating that the internet is really bad for boys. If it’s not turning them agp, then they end up onto Tate-esque toxic masculinity and how to abuse women 101 content.
Ex-chronic online here too, and honestly it’s gonna be hard to convince him to think of anything critically against trans and sissy and similar accounts and things like that without him removing himself from the groups and accounts willingly. It’s like any other addiction, where someone can’t be changed unless they’re willing to make the change themselves.
Unfortunately I don’t know what might spur that willingness to take a step back for him. For me, it was my online friend group all ganging up on me due to instigations of one person who didn’t like me—It made me realize I was relying way too much on online interactions and socializations for comfort and friendships and all that. I wouldn’t say that you should try and turn everyone in his friend group against him, since that could make him resent you, but he does need a wake-up call from the fantasy he’s fallen into online.
I feel for you OP. And good for you caring for your brother.
Hopefully it’s just a weird phase and not something that ends in him getting his dick cut off…
I seriously think sissy hypno, “traps”, and egg_irl account for the creation of the vast majority of TIMs. There’s a subreddit called tgandsissyrecovery that’s all about these men and how invested and delusional they become.
As his sister, you are kind of limited. This is really something for your parents, and it's unclear if they can stop him/help him - sufficiently.
However, my advice would be - what is he good at? Art, science, sports, photography? I'd encourage your parents to fund something. Anything. Cooking class. Photography class. Building class (near us, there's a build your own canoe class, for instance!). But something. Perhaps send him abroad for a semester - or a few weeks this summer (there are programs for HS students). Explore that.
Anything that will engage him.
Obv. he needs to get off line. But along with that - he needs to find his strengths, a good hobby, something constructive to do and work towards.
I agree he really needs something to distract him and take him offline. He loved baseball when he was younger and played on the high school's team for a couple of years, but he's debating joining golf now.
The issue with funding his hobbies is a bit tricky. My parents are divorced; my mom doesn't make nearly as much money as my dad does and a significant portion of it has gone down the drain in a legal fight with him after he drove drunk with us in the car last spring. My siblings still see him for an allotted amount of time each week, but this is someone who's reportedly negligent on paying child support until he's reminded several times to do it.
That's also why I don't think my brother has been caught up in this stuff for very long. Many people here are saying he was groomed, right? And it certainly looks like that. But don't groomers usually prey on "weaker" victims (for lack of a better word), people who have familial or mental issues in their personal life? Whatever happened, I'm holding out hope that it hasn't been going on for more than six months, so hopefully more of the effects from it are reversible. Or he hasn't shared photos of himself yet.
Sorry to dump a lot of personal life stuff on you, but there are many puzzle pieces which fit together for this bigger picture.
I'm sorry you and your family are going through this.
But don't groomers usually prey on "weaker" victims (for lack of a better word), people who have familial or mental issues in their personal life?
Yes, that is the usual M.O., and honestly this is absolutely more than enough to create a traumatized kid / ripe victim:
My parents are divorced; my mom doesn't make nearly as much money as my dad does and a significant portion of it has gone down the drain in a legal fight with him after he drove drunk with us in the car last spring.
You may not acknowledge or recognize that your parents' divorce affected you or him, but it absolutely does. Speaking from experience, despite literal child psychologists asking if the divorce was causing my obvious depression and anxiety, I honestly believed that it was not "enough" to be traumatizing since my dad was never around to begin with and the custody terms meant I got to see him more. Absent/abusive/neglectful fathers, financial struggles, and maternal worries can very easily create a void in a child's life that they seek to fill as a survival mechanism.
Kids are resilient and process things in ways they may never fully understand without lots of therapy, introspection, and post-traumatic growth. It doesn't take much for a groomer to see a child with low self-esteem or social issues. The fact he's seeking human connection online is proof enough of his vulnerability.
Perhaps you could side step the gender aspect if you think it will impede your mother’s ability to hear your concerns, and let her know that your minor brother is talking to older men online in 18+ NSFW communities, and that a lot of those men have bios that list disturbing sexual topics.
This, to me, is the most important part and what needs to be highlighted to OP's parents. Their son is in danger from and being groomed by sexual predators. Take the trans stuff out of it and it's still dangerous and predatory, and someone needs to help this kid get away from those people.
Yeah, I don't actually know for sure that he's talking directly with them, but even following those types of accounts would be enough to prompt her to look deeper, I feel.