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I had to navigate childhood trying not to anger my mother, who was borderline. I always had to walk small and tell white lies to try to keep her from being angry with me. I had to be extremely good at reading her mood so I knew how to behave and what I could say.

When I see people saying there's no harm in "respecting people's pronouns" and "being kind," it brings me back to my childhood. It's the same effort I made to avoid being an emotional (and sometimes physical) punching bag, and I won't do it. I am not responsible for other people's mental health. I will not walk on eggshells for anyone. That kind of stress can take years off your life, and it's not worth it.

I had to navigate childhood trying not to anger my mother, who was borderline. I always had to walk small and tell white lies to try to keep her from being angry with me. I had to be extremely good at reading her mood so I knew how to behave and what I could say. When I see people saying there's no harm in "respecting people's pronouns" and "being kind," it brings me back to my childhood. It's the same effort I made to avoid being an emotional (and sometimes physical) punching bag, and I won't do it. I am not responsible for other people's mental health. I will not walk on eggshells for anyone. That kind of stress can take years off your life, and it's not worth it.

53 comments

Same. I would say more, but this subject is honestly so exhausting. I've talked about my Nmom a few times on here already and it's draining every time.

These people give me the exact same horrible, tight, nervous, sick feeling deep inside—their behavior is a carbon copy of her narcissistic abuse.

That's okay. We get it. I think there's a point where you just don't want to talk about it any more, so thank you for commenting. :)

Thanks for understanding. The best thing I can do for myself is honestly just move on. The more time I spend dwelling on it, the worse I get. I can't change the past, and I will NEVER get a good enough answer as to why she treated me that way.

I've noticed that forcing people to disclose more than they want to is actually part of TRAs behavior. They always want an explanation that involves a lot of private things, like having to explain your "genital fetish" or why you get upset about men in the locker room (they try to force you to talk about your trauma).

It's my mother's behavior all over again. I wasn't allowed privacy, if she wanted to know what I was thinking/feeling she would physically corner me and force me to tell her my innermost thoughts. It was straight up psychological torture.

I also had both an Nmum and a narcissistic step mum and your experience is very similar to mine.

There came this point where I’d said all I had to say about her and I was just done with it. I will never get an answer as to why I had to be treated that way or grow up in a family like that, and I reached this point where I just decided that I’m okay with that. Like, there’s literally nothing I can do about it and there’s no point flogging a dead horse.

I always get people who find out that I don’t have a relationship with my mother and I can count on one hand the number of people who haven’t tried to convince me I should make amends with her. It is still a source of blow out arguments with my brother over her. At the end of the day relationships are a two way street and she’s already demonstrated that she’s not interested in making amends either and it’s not worth my time effort or energy to waste on her.

One thing I’ve always taken solice in is that I’m nothing like her. I have kindness, empathy and compassion for other people, when I love them I pour my love into them and if your my friend I’ll be your biggest cheerleader. One day I’d like to have my own children and it fills my heart to think of all the things I’ll do for them so they’ll never have to experience the hurt I did and they’ll only know a life where their mum cherishes them.

I know you didn’t ask to hear all this but sometimes I think it can help just hearing from people on the other side of the same experience. When I’ve found Nmum groups before I find a lot of people still trying to process what they’re going through and I’m really past that now (just like it sounds you are) and it’s a much better place to be

I'm glad you're moving on. I am too. My mom died a few years ago, so I figured it was time. LOL.