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RantThought policing in women's restrooms
So the other day I walked into a women’s restroom at work and found a “Be Kind” sign awkwardly placed below the paper towel dispenser. Like someone had gone to great trouble to make sure it stayed in a place it clearly didn’t belong. Why? Just why? I thought, Can’t even go take a p!ss without being told how to act! Women are always being told: Be this, be that! Now in the frikkin’ restroom? I threw the d@mn thing in the trash and was even sure to push it down to the bottom so no one could see it and fish it out. I made sure it wasn’t replaced.
I know things like this are nothing new, but I see it in a new light since peaking just over a year ago. And I’ve called this “thought policing” because that’s what it feels like - being told what to think, how to act, etc. Of course, the sign could have been a sarcastic way of telling people to wash their hands or something, but I doubt it, and it was still annoying. And I have seen similar signs on policing our behavior in other restrooms in different places. I asked my brother, also gender critical, if signs like this go up in the male restrooms. Nope.
Smh. There are no trans people at my workplace, so this means the sign was definitely placed there by another woman (as opposed to a man pretending to be a woman). What this means: Women can’t even go to the restroom without being told how to think, feel, and act - by other women! It’s an example of the continued infantilization of women, like, “Ok girls! This is your daily reminder of how to act!” My theory is that this is caused by internalized sexism - “I have to act like this, so you do too” type of deal. It’s a very entitled way of thinking, that whichever woman did this thinks she is entitled to speak for all women. If it makes even just one woman uncomfortable, it is not “empowering”, it is not “inclusive.” It’s degrading.
And it begged the question… what does “Be Kind” even mean? Out of curiosity I looked up where “Be Kind” came from. I guess it was some kind of anti-bullying campaign. But the only time I’ve seen the phrase used is when TRAs use it to bully women into accepting men in their same-sex spaces. How ironic.
It’s worth restating a common sentiment I've seen among radfems… I hate “Be Kind” signs or similar, and even think they’re damaging for women. Why? We know that kindness is often conflated with “being nice”. And we know that women are no more obligated to “be kind” than men. And when this is posted in the only woman-only space for women working in male-majority fields (like I do), this is really just reinforcing the idea women should be nice to men. But nice girls don’t get the corner office. And considering that my line of work is particularly infamous for male-on-female harassment and even violence, this is also just telling women to be complicit in their own subordination to men; to second-guess their boundaries; to be nice little flowers.
So I ask for your perspectives. Why do women do this? Why do some women feel this compulsive urge to tell other women how to act? If anything, why do such women think I want to be told to “be kind” when I go to take a leak or a dump? Are they really that desperate? And what other ridiculous thought-policing signs have you seen in women’s restrooms?
I was fine with Be Kind slogans initially. It was simply an invitation to choose to act in kindness. But when you hear it being screamed and demanded by people who are so drunk on their own self-righteousness they don't care how unkind and intolerant they are being, I'm so over it.
Be Kind is now another version of telling women to smile more.
to me it says “be smaller. shrink yourself.”
Also they put it in little girl's t-shirts. Blurgh.
Yes. Drives me mad. Boys get "Here comes trouble" and "Explorer". Girls get "Be Kind" and "Shine Like A Star".
Be Kind - Respect Women's Boundaries.
The "Be Kind" still really eerily reminds me of the documentary I watched on the cult leader Warren Jeffs and the polygamous FLDS cult. His message was "Keep sweet" which is essentially the same thing. It's the only way men can retain control is if they shame women into thinking they bring "punishment" upon themselves if they don't "keep sweet" or "be kind." There can be many motivations attributed to women who also repeat these slogans, but one of them I think is just self-preservation. They may have "suffered the consequences" of "provoking" some man into abusive behaviour and want to genuinely help prevent what happened to them from happening to other women by relaying what they've been taught was the way they could've avoided it, namely, "keep sweet" or "be kind."
This may be the only sense of control women can feel in their lives if they're always being told that men's shitty behaviour towards them is all down to women not behaving themselves and bringing it upon themselves.
Honestly someone needs to write a book or analysis of all the cults that the T-cult resembles, and breakdown the psychology that exists behind it. If someone's already done this, I wanna know!
This weekend I'm going through the books that have been discussed on WDI's weekly RadFem Perspectives webinars, and I think one of the books - “Loving to Survive” by Dee Graham - talks about women's psychology around accepting men and their beliefs in exchange for not being harmed. It was written in 1995, but nothing has changed.
The university I went to a decade and a half ago made news a couple of years ago for having some signs up in the women's toilets which basically said 'if you see someone in this bathroom who looks like they don't belong, you're the problem, make them feel welcome!!'.
Wait, found a picture of it on pinterest
Seeing that made me absolutely ashamed of going there as the first person in my family to ever go to uni... like, way to go for telling women to ignore their instincts once again! Also it's a university where the majority of students are not white, and a large number don't come from the UK...
Wow! That's...disgusting. Imagine having to play the role of hostess when you just want to pee.
'if you see someone in this bathroom who looks like they don't belong
They're literally admitting that trans-identifying males do not belong in the women's restrooms!
I'll admit when I was in uni a couple years ago I kind of went with the flow, didn't pay attention to or have an opinion on "trans rights" - because I was more interested in surviving day by day while couch surfing due to inflation driving me out of my housing. More proof that "transgenderism" is a luxury belief. (I wish I had gotten the time to sit around and wonder if I was a boy or a girl! jk) And I think that's why students in uni just let this kind of garbage go on - they don't have the time or mental energy to do their own research. Media censorship also doesn't help.
It makes sense that 'be kind' was originally an anti bullying slogan as TRAs are notorious for stealing slogans from other movements and changing them for their motives. Women's rights are human rights became trans rights are human rights. Black lives matter became trans lives matter. I've seen signs that have taken the slogan a day without lesbians is like a day without sunshine and substitute the word lesbian for trans women. The sloganeering is somewhat parasitic, they can't survive on the merits of their own weak arguments so they have to ride on the coat tails of others to curry sympathy.
They need to steal slogans of more widely accepted movements because most of what they stand for is either coercive, counter intuitive to most, or outright unpopular. Like preaching people can change sex and children should be put on wrong hormones and mutilated. The forced teaming allows them to use the good will towards other moments as a cover.
The only original slogans they have are the bad ones like TWAW which don't make sense for any other groups.
It works by taking a statement that seems so innocent that everyone mostly agrees. Of course the lives of human beings matter, of course humans rights are important, of course kindness is a good quality to have. But its subverting the original meaning - children shouldn't bully other children and applying it to something completly different. In this case, be nice to men in drag and do whatever they want.
Women respond to this most because we have been coached all our lives in the importance of being kind to others, so its difficult to resist. But it isn't kind to lie to people anymore than it is kind to breakdown women's boundaries and desimate their spaces.
It's like their ideology is a virus that must infect other cells to reproduce. They can't produce their own slogans, history and historical figures, language, spaces, sports categories, opportunities (and then there's the whole sterilizing of children) so they just have to appropriate everything and coerce people to join their cult.
Well they like to pretend that trans has existed forever when in reality it's GNC individuals and gay people misinterpreted.
They don't have a history so they have to appropriate the historical struggles of other groups.
"Be kind" really means "take the line of least resistance". It's humiliating but it's usually safe.
If I run across something like this I think I'll take the sign down and put it up in the men's bathroom.
Hm, didn't think of taking it to the men's room - should've though! At the moment, I was just so annoyed and wanted it gone
My theory is that this is caused by internalized sexism - “I have to act like this, so you do too” type of deal.
Youre right about the internalised misogyny, but i think the internal process is a little shallower than that "ive learned that you have to "Be Kind" to be good as a woman, i want to help my fellow women, ill remind them to "Be Kind" with a cute little sign!"
"Kindness" has been so internalised as necessary that to the women who put this sign up its the equivalent of a "Dont forget to lock up!" Sign on the exit. Just a helpful little reminder so you dont make a silly mistake like having integrity.
Replace it with a series "Be Brave, Be Strong, Be Clear" in a live, laugh, love style
Don't necessarily have a lot to add beyond what others have said, except to maybe suggest that the choice of location seems particularly insidious. Because it's supposed to be a private space where you get to let your guard down and drop any performative posturing and just...attend to business. And even there, this ideology is being pressed on you, like a 'Big Brother is always watching' sign (or something Dolores Umbridge would do), that even when you're completely alone they just want to helpfully remind you not to engage in any wrongthink. Feels like if they could get away with posting it up in our homes, they would.
As for other signs, I've mostly just seen graffiti and obnoxious stickers. Been gladdened that most of the smarmy pro-trans shit has been at least partially scratched out by the time I got there.
Trickle-down economics. Literally in this case since it's the female bathroom. She wanted to use the power she feels she has to impose behaviors on those she sees as below her in morality. She is doing it for herself to feed her own perception of a virtuous personality, pretending to do something kind, while in reality doing nothing. Those above pissing on those below while pretending it's a net positive for everyone. Trickle-down economics.
Or she had an extra sticker and chose a dumbass location for it. We can get stickers made that just say "To Yourself" so whenever "Be Kind" pops up somewhere we can add "...To Yourself" to the end of them. Maybe a larger sticker that includes phone numbers for local female-exclusive services can cover the stupid thought police reminder.
This grates my cheese too. I'll do what I need to do, whether that's in the bathroom or elsewhere. Waste elimination is a neutral act; I'm not going out of my way to think about emotional servicing of twits while I'm doing it.
Be Kind...of a Smartass About It.
Be Kind...ling for the Big Bonfire of Feminist Revolution.
Be Kind...ergarten Happy and Grad Student Intense.
I don't know if it's specifically a woman thing, or if it's the fashionable social justice/socialism/big brother thing that so many women, among others who feel resentful and jealous that they didn't get as far in life as they wanted to or think they deserved to, or predict that they won't get to, seem to embrace, and which relies on thought policing to perpetuate itself and make its adherents feel better.
Get yourself some terf stickers and carry them around with you for events such as this.
Luckily the sign was just sitting upright, so I could simply pick it up and throw it in the trash. But if it was fixed to the wall, I would have definitely stickered it! :)
We should put don't rape signs in all of the men's bathrooms.
You are right about all of this. It is degrading, it is infantilizing. People only do this stuff to women.
Does the person who hung that up think about the fact that there are women using that bathroom that have just been harassed by male coworkers or followed by a man on the way to work, or are being abused by their partners and maybe sitting in the bathroom thinking about it? And they see that empty message. Be nice! Means be a doormat when it's tuned on women.
Exactly!
I was going to add that "Be Kind" apparently started as a anti-bullying movement to prevent girl-on-girl bullying in schools and online. While this is a real issue... I think it distracts from the fact that most of the bullying and violence perpetrated against women and girls is done by men.
And when this is posted in a workplace where you, as a woman, may go weeks or months without working side-by-side with another woman...it truly is an empty message. While the set of men I work with are "kind" enough at work, they tend to socialize only together, and I've gotten left out a lot. And the ones who do want to hang out with you usually have ulterior motives. So being "kind" does nothing but get you degraded in some way.
Remember the outrage over the Gilette ad?
No, tell me more plz